Is Too Much Feedback Killing Your Relationships?

In an interview on www.smartplanet.com tittled "Q&A: Why 40% of us think we're in the top 5%"  with psychologist David Dunning (of the Dunning-Kroger Effect), Dunning gives advice for effective feedback in the work place which is invaluable for relationships as well.

"There are two reasons people may not be receptive to feedback: One is it’s going to come as a complete surprise to them, because they probably don’t know what their weaknesses are, second is that it’s just a natural human tendency to be defensive. So, you have to work around that.

There are three different things you can do as a manager.

The first thing is if you are going to give feedback make sure that it’s about a person’s behavior or their actions. Do not make it about their character or their ability. If you come at them with words like 'You are lazy,' or 'You’re not all that innovative,' then you are attacking their character.

Second, you want to give feedback often. If feedback is rare, people will naturally get their defensive antenna up.

Third, you do not want the only feedback to come when the supervisor is angry. There are a lot of companies where that is the habit. The supervisor has to be driven mad before he or she gives the feedback that a person really needed to hear earlier. How are you going to listen to a mad person yelling at you? So, that is the last thing to avoid."

Check out this great videos on feedback

The Psychology of Happiness and Feedback

She talks about how differant types of people give and take feedback.

The Competition Between Women That You Don't Want To Believe Exists

I've seen this quote floating around the internet a lot and I need to explain to you how wrong it is, both in the world of flowers and the world of women; actually the world of human beings.

The World Of Flowers:

Pro Tip: Men are often less attracted to women who use uninformed statements to justify their own lack of ambition.

I'm more interested in people, so I'm only including this part to keep you from looking painfully uninformed on the internet. For proof "a vicious turf war is being waged" between flowers and other plants fighting for light, visit this link : http://www.producer.com/2012/06/how-plants-compete-in-battle-for-sunlight/

now on to the world of women.

World Of Women:

Just as flowers compete for the sun's light. You must compete for what you want, the shorter the supply, the more competition there may be for it. This is simple logic that is proven throughout the animal kingdom, world of flowers, world economics, etc, etc.

Many of you have one foot in a dream world.

The idea is nice, women shouldn't have to compete with other women, or other men for that matter. Their sheer kindness, sweet nurturing nature, and the fact they can birth a baby should mean that without effort, personal growth, or anyone standing in their way, they'll receive whatever their dreams may be. This is obviously not the way things are though, and you only stand in your own way by believing it.

The Real World:

You want the best paying position at the best company for your chosen profession, you know you'll have to compete.

You want a man with favorable traits that you find attractive? Well unless you have very unusual definitions for "favorable traits" and "attractive", then you know you'll have to compete. The only way not to compete with other women for a man is to either be attracted to men that no other woman would want or to effortlessly be so much better than other women that no one could call them your competition.


Competing Doesn't Make You A Bad Person
(but how you do it might)
I've seen guys get upset at each other because one called dibs on a woman then the women liked the other guy and ended up date him. I hope we can all agree this is dumb, and you can't call dibs on a person.
In the same way, it's not wrong for a woman to have interest in a man even after a different woman in her circle expressed interest. let compatibility decide.
On the other hand, don't mud sling, don't lie, don't be spiteful.
If an athlete gets a bad attitude during completion the coach will bench them. If you feel yourself getting a bad attitude, bench yourself.


Preoccupation With Competition

My friend pointed out "There is, however, a vast difference between the existence of competition and a preoccupation with competition" and I agree. Just like I told the guys in 5 Reasons Why Women Don't Date "Nice Guys" (Because They Shouldn't), "No matter how you improve, there is always someone better than you and always room to grow. Be happy with who you are and what you have, but also away be planning how you're going to move forward, improve, and grow."

Be happy with who you are and don't let your goals and desires own you. If you do have a desire or goal don't expect it to be handed to you, and understand what it takes to get what you want.

5 Reasons Why Women Don't Date "Nice Guys" (Because They Shouldn't)

Let's get it straight, everyone likes a quality person, and you can't show me a quality person who treats their friends or loved ones like trash. If a girl doesn't like you, it's not because you're a nice person or because you treat her well.

5 Reasons

Why Women Don't Date "Nice Guys"

1: Avoid Confrontation.  

"Nice" is often used by people to describe themselves when they're actually afraid of confrontation.

Confrontation is an inevitable part of life. Being unable to deal with confrontation leads to people either intentionally or unintentionally walking over you. What is worse is that when confrontation is forced on you, your avoidance of it leaves you poorly practiced at it and you fall apart or lash out.

In a relationship, fear of confrontation can lead to unintentionally deceptive behavior as you'll try to align your interests, hobbies, beliefs and ideas with their's to avoid potential conflicts.

It also means that when external conflict faces you as a couple, it'll always be her job to deal with it; cause you're too nice.

2: Using "Nice" As A Currency.

If your "niceness" is derived from the desire to obtain something from someone I.E. her admiration, affection, sexual attention, then it's not really being nice and it's not respectable. How do you know if you're using "nice" as a currency? Are you upset or begrudging when you are "nice" and that niceness is reciprocated in a specific way? Be nice because you feel it is how you should act. Do it because you want to "be the change you wish to see in the world". Don't expect niceness to be returned, it often won't be. Also feel free not to try and make personal friends, or potential romantic pursuits out of people who don't know how to be nice on a level you think is a bare minimum. You should be nice to and respect all people, but you are not required to try and date them.

3: Over Compensating With "Nice"

If there's a long list of things you don't like about yourself, it's going to be hard for a woman to be sold on the idea of you playing a romantic role in her life. If you think to yourself, "I'm not attractive enough, smart, enough, or rich enough to compete with other guys on those levels, but I am way, way nicer than those other guys, surely she should like me!" then you're in a bad place, and niceness isn't you problem. No matter how you improve, there is always someone better than you and always room to grow. Be happy with who you are and what you have, but also away be planning how you're going to move forward, improve, and grow.

4: Entitlement and One-Dimensionality.

There's nothing wrong with being physically fit, financially secure, or very nice. Any one of these things could end up getting you a girlfriend, but don't expect them to. Don't believe any single trait you have well get you a girlfriend, or make you deserve one. If you're going in to meet a girl with the plan of impressing her with how "nice" you are, then you're not really different than a guy planning on flashing his abs or expensive watch.

These are all examples of putting traits and characteristics in front of just having a person to person interaction. Don't let one trait become your identity, The nice, the rich guy, the muscle guy, instead be well rounded. Be a person with goals, passions and interests.

5: The Pedestal

You're a "nice" guy, you'll treat her like a queen, put her on a pedestal. Problem is, being on a pedestal isn't fun, it isn't comfortable, and it isn't where most people want to be. You want her to want to be with you, but if you put her on a pedestal, you're separating her from you; She may want to be with you, but you're not allowing it. Most people don't feel like they belong on a pedestal, this puts them under a constant pressure to fulfill or fall off. It's ok to believe the girl you're with is a queen, but you better believe you're a king and you're on her level. How can you be a "nice" guy, yet trying to keep this queen with you when believe you shouldn't be with, side by side with a queen.

Here to help

I'm so glad you've made this choice to dramatically improve your dating and romantic life by educating yourself on the do not don't of dating.

Here at The Do Not Don't of Dating we are committed to bring you paradigm shifting, world changing, perspectives and advice in a format that is more confusing than a me-maw's last words to you on her death bed.